Once, after spending an entire afternoon at the playground, my little boy would not go for a walk. After gently asking him to sit in the stroller a few times, I lost my patience with him, pulling him into the stroller as he cried and stretched his entire body. I felt so embarrassed when this scene unfolded – everyone was staring at us when I was finally able to awkwardly let her in.

As we drove home, I felt like crying too, but all I could do was take a deep breath, tell my son everything was okay, and let his anger pass. One strategy that has helped me get through those baby meltdowns over the years is radical acceptance. Radical acceptance can help parents in situations that require great patience and understanding of your child’s point of view.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance, a core skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)A technique that involves fully recognizing and accepting the present moment without trying to change its course, says Samantha Glickman, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at NYU Langone’s Child Study Center.

Radical acceptance involves embracing a challenging or difficult parenting situation, however difficult it may seem at first. For example, you first need to make peace with the fact that your child is having trouble instead of trying to stop it. From there, you should try to maintain a calm response to their explosive emotions—the point is to acknowledge your child’s feelings and give them space to work through what they’re feeling, even if it might be loud or uncomfortable in the moment.

Parents have their own in a mindset of radical acceptance Emotional regulation skills Maintain calm composure while validating your child’s feelings and be patient as their child works through an incident such as a tantrum.

How does radical acceptance apply to parenting?

Radical acceptance can be an important tool for parents of children at any age or stage, Dr. Glickman explains. However, it can be especially useful when it comes to raising children. “Parents of young children, in particular, face emotionally charged situations as their children learn to control their emotions,” she says.

“Fighting at home is hard enough, but showing up in the middle of a crowded supermarket can be even more difficult. When a child has a big emotional reaction to a boundary — whether it’s about leaving the park or buying a candy bar — it can cause intense discomfort in even the sickest of parents,” Dr. Glickman continues. “Radical acceptance invites parents to accept emotions as they arise without judgment or resistance. It encourages caregivers to stay grounded in the present moment and focus on what they can control.”

By acknowledging the reality of the situation, parents can take the time to respond more effectively, she says, a skill that in the long run can help children develop healthy emotion regulation.

What radical acceptance looks like in practice

It’s natural for parents to jump into action at the first sign of a public tantrum — and sometimes that looks like parents who are desperate to keep the peace, dragging their crying children back to the car or bribing them with treats if they stop crying.

Yes, we want our children to be quiet, but parents in these situations are also dealing with a flood of emotions of their own, including shame that their children are being loud and disruptive.

“Many conflicts between parents and children arise because the parent expects the child to behave in a certain way and the child doesn’t,” says Claire Selinger, MD, a board-certified child psychiatrist at UT Health Austin Pediatric Psychiatry at Dell Children’s.

During a tantrum, she explains that parents may want to yell at the child to stop the screaming, but that strategy often backfires, causing the child’s behavior to worsen when they see their parent upset.

The radical acceptance response requires the parent to acknowledge that the tantrum is occurring and that it is normal, age-appropriate behavior for the young child. They need to put aside any awkward feelings that might prevent them from confronting the reality of the situation. That is the acceptance aspect.

Recognizing that they can’t stop tantrums through fear or anger can help parents find specific strategies to calm their child that work for their personality and temperament—validating their feelings, reminding them of what is acceptable behavior, and calmly leaving the space (if possible) without disturbing those around them.

The benefits of radical acceptance

Imagine a child screaming in a restaurant or on an airplane. As a caregiver, it can be uncomfortable, but letting your child feel the way they feel is part of radical acceptance. You may have to leave where you are or what you’re doing, which can cause a frustrating interruption in your day—but radical acceptance is accepting imperfection. Here are more benefits of radical acceptance:

Helps to set boundaries

Parents may also find strict acceptance helpful because it requires setting firm boundaries with your child. For example, telling your child that the plan is to go to the playground or a birthday party at a certain time creates a boundary that will come into play if your child messes up at the end of the day.

Let’s say your child is still angry when it’s time to go. Instead of raising your voice, you can comfort your child and acknowledge their feelings but stay focused on the plans discussed. To connect with your child, you can say something like, “I understand you’re sad and it’s hard to leave. I love the playground too, but there’s only an hour left. We’ll come back another day.”

Builds resilience and confidence

Radical acceptance invites caregivers to model healthy distress tolerance for their children, Glickman explains. “When parents are able to adapt to the discomfort of difficult parenting moments, they can help reduce their children’s escalating reactions over time. This can help make room for connection and closeness,” she says.

Most importantly, accepting your child’s feelings without judgment or expressing frustration, listening, speaking calmly, and teaching your child how to learn from tantrums shows unconditional love and can help your relationship build trust.

Sure, some messes may seem never-ending and it’s not always easy to be patient when a toddler is screaming in your face, but making an effort to empathize with your child can make you feel stronger, more confident, less stressed, and even happier as a parent.

What radical acceptance is not

When you’re using radical acceptance to diffuse conflict or calm a tantrum, you’re not telling the child that the behavior is okay, or allowing the child to throw an endless tantrum without responding. While you can validate your child’s anger or frustration, while all emotions are acceptable, not all behaviors—this means kicking, hitting, knocking, or yelling at in public will result in consequences.

Salinger adds that radical acceptance can lead to less conflict between children and parents and more harmony in the relationship, describing it as “letting go of the battle ropes.”

Tips for trying radical acceptance when your kids are acting out

These tips will help parents if they want to try radical acceptance the next time their kids are having a rough time.

• Stay in the present moment by observing what feelings arise for them without making a decision; For example, “Why me?” Or feelings of frustration or embarrassment if your child is having meltdowns in public.
• Accept the situation and associated emotions without resistance. This may include making space for your and your child’s feelings such as anger, frustration and embarrassment. Validate those feelings without guiding your child in how you respond.
• Stick to the facts and turn to helpful coping statements, such as: “My child has big emotions within the limits I set” or “This moment is hard, but it won’t last forever.”
• Normalize the struggle. For example, two-year-olds are known for tantrums. “My two-year-old is doing two-year-old things.” Remember, as uncomfortable as the situation is, it’s also age-appropriate.
• Accepting tantrums doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent. Your baby is still learning how to process his emotions, and you’re still learning how to adapt to the stressful situations that come with raising a baby. Give yourself some grace.
• Your child will learn better from you if you speak in a soft but firm voice rather than a loud and threatening voice.